3 Types of Difficult Coworkers and How to Work with Them

Author: Amy Gallo

In every workplace, there are people—many of whom have earned respect and positions of power—who behave in ways that are thoughtless, ambiguous, irrational, and even sometimes downright malicious.

It can be challenging to know exactly how to work with people who act like this. Odds are, no one has sat you down and said, “Here’s how you push back on an aggressive know-it-all,” or “Try this approach for dealing with an incessant naysayer.” You likely never took a class on handling a colleague who plays dirty office politics or had a mentor share advice on what to do if you find yourself working for an incompetent boss.

However, when we don’t address these small conflicts with our coworkers, the stress can affect our productivity, make work miserable, and even bleed into other aspects of our lives. That’s why it’s important to learn why challenging colleagues behave the way they do, master tactics for dealing with their most difficult traits, and ultimately decide when to persist in our efforts or to walk away.

Building a relationship with a difficult colleague may seem hard, but it’s a skill you can learn. Here are three common archetypes of difficult coworkers, the behaviors they often exhibit, and how you can manage your relationship with them.

The Pessimist

What it looks like

The more Simran allowed her colleague Theresa to vent her concerns about the company and her life, the more time Theresa spent complaining to her. Theresa couldn’t seem to find anything positive to say—ever—and even seemed to enjoy coming up with all the different ways a project or initiative could fail. For Simran, Theresa’s griping was becoming a physical and psychological drain.

Why it happens

There are a lot of reasons why pessimists think and behave the way they do. A pessimist could be motivated by anxiety, a desire for power, or resentment about how they’ve been treated in the past. Still, some might have legitimate reasons for being negative. For example, during the launch of a new product, they might articulate risks related to getting customers to buy into the new idea or point out workplace issues that most people are refusing to acknowledge or notice.

Regardless of why a pessimist acts the way they do, it’s important to find ways to work productively with them. After all, negative attitudes can be contagious, infecting not just you but the whole team.

Tactics to try

• Acknowledge their complaints; then reframe them. For instance, if the pessimist grumbles that another team member is lazy, say something like, “It’s a busy time for everyone. I bet they’re doing more than we can see.” Don’t be patronizing, or mean, but present an alternative view. You can also ask your colleague to be constructive. For example, you could say, “I can see why you’re frustrated. Do you think there’s anything we can do?” Or “What could we try next time?” The goal is to increase the cynic’s sense of agency by pointing out actions they can take or even telling a story of a time when you encountered similar circumstances and responded productively.

• Use their outlook as a positive tool. If your colleague is a natural at pointing out risks, perhaps that can be part of their formal role. You’ve undoubtedly heard the advice to appoint a “devil’s advocate” who is tasked with raising difficult questions and challenging a group’s thinking. Research shows that giving at least one person the right to push back in this way leads to better decision-making for the team as a whole. If you’re their manager, you can ask them to play this role. If you’re not, consider seeking out your colleague’s perspective when you need a more critical eye on a project you’re working on or a decision you’re making.

• Agree to team norms. Although singling people out is sometimes counterproductive, you can set norms for the whole team that will nudge a killjoy in the right direction. For example, you could agree as a group that everyone will ask themselves before they speak, “Will this comment be helpful?” You might also agree that criticism should be accompanied by a suggestion of what to do instead.

Some phrases to use with a pessimist

• “What would need to be true for us to succeed?”

• “If you’re unhappy with (person, leader, project), let’s discuss what steps you can take to change the situation. I have some ideas, but I’d love to hear your thoughts first.”

• “There’s a part of me that agrees with you that this might not work. And another part of me thinks it will. Let’s tease out both perspectives.”

• “You’re good at identifying the downsides. What might we be missing here?”

The Passive-Aggressive Peer

What it looks like

Malik was at his wits’ end with his coworker Susan, who would act like she was on board with a decision in a meeting but then drop the ball and deflect the blame toward him. Susan would often say one thing but do another, display negative body language but insist everything was “fine,” and deliver insults that sounded like compliments.

Why it happens

Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who studies interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive-aggressive as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings. Often, it’s driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a feeling of powerlessness.

Tactics to try

• Avoid labeling them as passive-aggressive. It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying “Stop being so passive-aggressive” will only make things worse. It’s a loaded phrase, and it’s rare that someone will be willing to acknowledge or own up to it. More likely, calling them out will only make them angrier and more defensive. Instead, try using strategies that help you understand their perspective better.

• Focus on the underlying message, not their behavior. Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals? Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you may be able to address the actual problem.

• Create a safe environment for an honest conversation. Social psychologist Heidi Grant told me, in an interview for my book Getting Along, that the best tactic is to show interest in the other person’s perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear. You might say, “I heard your views during the meeting and interpreted it as.… Did I get it right?” The advantage to opening up a conversation is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.

Some phrases to use with a passive-aggressive peer

• “I heard you say [quick summary], but I wasn’t sure if you meant something else. Is there something I’m not understanding?”

• “I noticed that you pushed away from the table (or rolled your eyes). What’s your reaction to this discussion?”

• “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry, but just want to be sure everything’s OK.”

The Know-It-All

What it looks like

Lucia’s colleague Ray loved to talk. If people tried to interrupt him, he just raised his voice and spoke over them. Lucia interpreted his diatribes as Ray saying, “I know what the team and company need, and everyone else should just listen.” Ray seemed convinced that he was the smartest person in the room, and he loved telling people what was “right,” even when he was clearly wrong.

Why it happens

Confidence can be a good thing, but confidence without competence can cause people to ignore feedback, act condescendingly, and take credit for group successes. Some know-it-alls have adopted this behavior to compensate for feelings of insecurity. For others, it has been encouraged by corporate norms. Either way, know-it-alls can undermine team cohesiveness and demean you to the point of damaging your career.

Tactics to try

• Address interruptions. One way to avoid interruptions is to preemptively request that people refrain from interjecting. Before you start talking, explain how much time (roughly) you’re going to need and say something like, “Please hold any comments or questions until I’m done.” If you’re not making a formal presentation but are just having a discussion where some back-and-forth is expected, you might say instead, “Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if I could finish my thoughts before you jump in.” If your efforts to preempt interruptions fail, address them directly. But don’t just raise your voice. That sets up a power struggle and your colleague is likely to talk louder in an attempt to drown you out. Instead, confidently say, “I’m going to finish my point, and then I’d love to hear what you have to say.”

• Ask for specific facts. Another habit of the know-it-all is to proclaim things they have no way of knowing for sure, like “In a year, no one will even be talking about this recession.” When this happens, understand that it’s OK to ask people for sources or data that back up their declarations. Be respectful, not confrontational. You might say something like, “I’m not sure we’re working with the same assumptions and facts. Let’s step back and take a look at the data before we proceed.” If you don’t have data, you might even suggest you all gather some. For instance, if your colleague insists that customers will hate a new product feature, is it feasible to run a short customer survey?

• Model humility. Many show-offs act the way they do because, implicitly or explicitly, they’ve received messages that projecting confidence is what’s expected on your team, in your organization, or in the culture they’re from. You can provide a different model by displaying humility and open-mindedness. Try saying, “I don’t know” or “I don’t have that information right now; let me get back to you.” If the know-it-all sees that you suffer no consequences for expressing uncertainty, they may be willing to do the same.

Some phrases to use with a know-it-all

• “I’d appreciate it if you would respect that I know what I’m doing. I value your input, and I’ll definitely ask for it when I need it.”

• “Interruptions break my concentration, so I’d appreciate it if you’d let me finish my thoughts before jumping in.”

• “I’m going to continue, and I’ll address that when I’m done.”

• “Tell me about where your insights are coming from.”

Much of the advice here requires you to be “the adult in the room.” And you may be wondering why you should do all the work if your colleague is the one causing the problems. Truthfully, it’s not on you to change another person’s behavior, and oftentimes, you can’t. What you can change is your approach to navigating relationships that are critical in your work life. You may notice that sometimes trying something new, even something small, can shift the dynamic between you and a coworker who gets under your skin. Hopefully, with this advice, you’ll be able to more easily put work conflict in its place, freeing up valuable time and mental capacity for the things that really matter to you.