Common Miscommunications at Work (and How to Avoid Them)

Author: Marsha Acker

Do you ever feel like you’re having the same conversations over and over again at work? Chances are, you’re experiencing a breakdown in communication.

While we all know that clear communication is needed to successfully collaborate with our managers and team members, it’s often one of the most difficult skills to master as someone new to the workforce. Why? Because many of us tend to assume that other people see and experience things the same way we do.

Researcher and systems psychologist David Kantor offers a key principle that can help us overcome this bias in our thinking. Kantor came up with a theory known as Structural Dynamics. It describes how face-to-face communication works (and doesn’t) and aims to help us see and understand the patterns, behaviors, and dynamics impacting our interpersonal and group conversations. According to Kantor, there’s both a visible and an invisible reality present in every interaction we have. To have more effective conversations based on mutual understanding, we need to learn how to navigate both.

The visible reality is the conversation we’re having out loud, or the actual words that are being said. This is what most people think about when they hear the word “conversation.” The invisible reality includes all the internal narratives and preconceived ideas that shape how each participant is processing the meaning and intention behind the words spoken.

The invisible reality is where things tend to go sideways. Because we instinctually assume that others see and experience things the same way we do, we tend to believe our interpretations of the conversations we engage in are correct. The issue occurs when we walk away on a different page than our manager, team, or peer, and end up digressing instead of reaching the outcome we want.

To move beyond our assumptions and get on the same page as our colleagues, we need to develop our ability to make our thinking and assumptions more visible to the person we’re speaking with. We also need to look for opportunities to learn more about their thinking and assumptions. You’ve likely heard of this skill before. It’s called “reading the room,” and it’s a communication superpower.

If you can learn to make the “invisible” more “visible” in your conversations at work, you’ll be able to leapfrog those annoying surface-level miscommunications and collaborate more productively with everyone. You may even be able to have conversations just once.

Below are three practices that will allow you to better read the room. You can start implementing them today.

Step 1: Focus on “how” instead of “what”

In any conversation, there will be two parallel threads happening simultaneously. The first is the “what.” This is the content (or the topic) of the conversation. It’s what you and the other person, or people, are talking about.

The second thread is the “how.” This is how you’re talking with one another—the way you’re engaging together, the kinds of language being used, and the spoken or unspoken rules about whose voice holds more power in the interaction. Each of these elements is determined by your and the other person’s preconceived assumptions, preferences, and behavioral tendencies and how they come into contact during a conversation—no matter the topic.

When holding conversations with others, we tend to focus on the what. After all, addressing the topic is probably why we’ve come together in the first place. But to have more effective conversations about any topic, the first step to take is to commit to focusing on the how—because that is the part of the conversation that is less obvious, or invisible.

When things start feeling sticky in a conversation, it’s time to immediately take a step back, take a breath, and make some simple observations about how the conversation is unfolding. Ask yourself: Who is speaking, and who is not? Who is asking questions? Who is making assertions? What am I experiencing? What am I thinking but not saying?

When you make these observations, you’ve taken the first step to uncovering the dynamics of the conversation simply by observing how it is unfolding rather than focusing on what the topic on the table is.

The next step is to begin exploring what invisible realities might be in play so that you can each engage with more clarity and empathy.

Step 2: Voice your observations

Once you’ve taken a step back to consider the conversation’s dynamics, you can create a “pause” by making a neutral observation aloud. This is a way to slow the interaction down and create more space for everyone to get on the same page.

In his book Reading the Room, David Kantor calls this a “bystand”—an effective way to begin surfacing some of the invisible realities that are affecting your conversation. When we voice what we’re observing, it invites the other participant(s) to share more about what’s happening for them and offer a perspective that may shift the direction of the interaction.

Importantly, a bystand should be offered from a space of neutrality and grace to avoid taking an accusatory tone. Start by stating something that you see (“I’m noticing”) and then share your observation. For example, you might say, “I’m noticing that we’re not hearing from all the voices in the room.” Or “I’m noticing that the tension levels in this conversation are really high.” These are both neutral comments reflecting what you’re seeing.

Your bystand should then be followed by an invitation. This can come in the form of a question like, “How are you experiencing our dynamic?” Or “I’m wondering if anyone else is seeing something different.” The goal is to encourage others to voice what’s happening for them.

More often than not, a bystand of this sort—a neutral observation followed by an invitation to dialogue—will not only shift the dynamic of the conversation, it will also nudge participants to share critical information about how they’re experiencing the moment. This practice can help you and your team avoid the kinds of miscommunications and frustrations that come from assuming you’re all on the same page.

Step 3: Get curious

Now that you’re focusing on the dynamics of the conversation from a place of openness rather than assumption, you’re in a better position to understand what’s happening for both you and the other participant(s). You can actively surface the other person’s invisible realities by getting curious and making your invitation (following your bystand) even more specific.

Consider these different scenarios:

• If someone is not contributing their voice, gently share this observation, and then ask if they see something that’s missing from the conversation. Perhaps they’ll voice an opinion, or perhaps they’ll offer additional information that will move the conversation in a new direction.

• If someone seems frustrated, draw attention to the feeling, then try asking, “What’s happening for you right now?” In this way, you’re inviting the person to add new and helpful information to the conversation—and it may shift the dynamic from tense to productive.

• If someone is constantly pushing back on the ideas that others are putting forward, name it, and then ask, “What ideas have you heard from others that you support or align with?” Many times, people remain silent when they agree with an idea. Asking this question can create more space for alignment between you and the other person, allowing the ideas you agree on to get more air time.

In each of these examples, getting curious about your observations opens up the conversation to a space of learning. By asking questions, you learn more about where the other person is coming from and create opportunities for additional information to arise—both of which are critical when it comes to getting sticky conversations unstuck.

In conversations with others, it’s easy to feel misunderstood. It’s also easy to misunderstand. (As Steven Covey says, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”) By paying attention to how communication is happening, you can make the invisible more visible. This will lead to more productive conversations with less blame, confusion, frustration, and antagonism. Invite curiosity into the room—both toward yourself and others—and you will find it much easier to communicate clearly and see the outcomes you want.