Form Stronger, Longer-Lasting Connections

Author: Utkarsh Amitabh

Have you heard of Paul Erdős? Erdős (pronounced “air-dish”) was a quirky Jewish mathematician who could mentally, and rather quickly, calculate the number of seconds a person had lived by the age of four. Time magazine called him “the oddball’s oddball.” He was known for showing up at people’s doors at all hours, saying, “My mind is open.” What that meant was, “I’m ready to take on new mathematical challenges.”

Over the course of his life, Erdős collaborated with more than 500 mathematicians. He also played “math matchmaker,” introducing peers around the world to one another to advance mathematics research. These collaborations propelled the computing revolution and paved the way for modern search engines.

As it happens, Erdős himself wasn’t the easiest of guests. He couldn’t make his bed or boil water for tea. He had very few clothes, so his hosts ended up doing his laundry. He also thought little of waking them in the middle of the night if he made a breakthrough in a problem they were trying to solve. Considering all this, you might find it puzzling that Paul Erdős was probably the most loved, most well-networked, and most talented mathematician of his time.

You might be wondering, “How?”

I came across Erdős’s work and philosophy while working on the mission statement for my company, Network Capital—a platform for career guidance and mentorship. I wanted to figure out a way to enable meaningful connections at scale. I was struggling with questions like, Why should my company exist? How can it become more than just another networking platform? The more I read about Erdős, the more intrigued I became. I found my answers in his philosophy, which focused on finding breakthrough solutions, making others successful, and not worrying about who gets credit.

The very nature of his collaborations taught me that networking can add value to others. Through his approach, I’ve learned how to form stronger, longer-lasting connections, and I encourage my community members to do the same when building out their professional networks. Here are three relationship-building strategies inspired by Erdős. Consider them as you expand your network and forge new connections at work.

Leave room for serendipity

Erdős believed in giving serendipity a chance in order to discover new areas for collaboration. He would enter conversations with an open heart and mind. Instead of jumping to a solution or being too eager to impress others with his knowledge, he would begin by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions. He truly engaged with the problem at hand and nudged others to open up about the precise problems they were struggling with. The result was that he not only helped his collaborators solve problems they were grappling with, but also empowered them to discover new ideas to work on.

Inspired by Erdős, I spend two hours every day speaking to Network Capital community members to discuss their career aspirations. The goal of these one-on-one, 20-minute coaching conversations is simply to understand what’s going on in people’s minds, what they’re working on that’s exciting them, or what they’re struggling with. The first five minutes are allocated for an open-ended discussion and I often lead with, “So, what’s on your mind?” It might seem a simple question, but people often talk about what’s energizing them, what’s bogging them down, or they simply state what they need me to weigh in on. This helps set the tone for the next 15 minutes, where I try to find solutions that can best help them. Building the conversations this way lets me strike a healthy balance between structure and serendipity (great for new ideas!), and it has helped me strengthen my own relationships.

Pro tip: When meeting someone new or when having a first conversation with a client, start with an icebreaker—but reframe it. Instead of asking, “How’s work going?” lead with, “What’s exciting you these days?” This reframing can have a disproportionate impact on the depth and breadth of your discussions. While relationships take time to grow, they’re unlikely to blossom into something meaningful if you focus all your conversations on utility.

Be clear about your goals

Erdős wasn’t a man with hidden agendas, and he didn’t mind healthy conflict. If he needed something, he would be clear about it. If he wanted to offer critical feedback, he would do so straight up. When he disagreed or debated with someone, they didn’t doubt his intentions. His disagreements came from a place of curiosity, not judgment. And he was consistent with his behavior, irrespective of who he was collaborating with. This created a high-trust environment, which fostered deep collaboration.

Consistency compounds trust, and relationships thrive with consistency. Think about it: Would you trust someone who seems to have an ulterior motive to collaborate? In Erdős’s case, by repeatedly showing up to help his collaborators, he demonstrated his commitment to making them successful.

Pro tip: When you’re reaching out to someone for help, don’t sandwich your ask, or worse, camouflage it. Be polite and give them an out, but also be straightforward. For instance, while writing my book, I reached out to several mentors for testimonials. I was direct in my ask and found it helpful to communicate the core point upfront: “I’d love for you to write a testimonial for my book. Coming from you, the recommendation would be very valuable and have a great impact on the readers. If you’re unable to, I completely understand. No hard feelings.” Most of the people I reached out to agreed.

Focus on adding value

Erdős’s superpower was making others great. Instead of thinking about what he could get out of people, he collaborated with the intent of adding value to their lives—specifically by making their research more robust, nudging them to consider all possible scenarios, introducing them to other scientists, and working with them to fine-tune their research.

This attitude is best documented in what’s called the Erdős number: the collaborative distance between Erdős and another person. In his lifetime, he had 509 direct collaborators. These were people with an Erdős number of one. People who have collaborated with his direct collaborators have an Erdős number of two (Albert Einstein among them).

One could reasonably argue that computing would have progressed at a slower pace had Erdős not built a social network of committed mathematicians who built off of each other’s work. He was instrumental in the development of a branch of combinatorics known as the Ramsey theory, which other mathematicians and scientists have furthered. Today, it finds application in the field of quantum computing.

The beauty of this principle, of adding value and empowering others, is that it can be adopted by anyone. Adding value isn’t dependent on seniority or your place in an organization. Whether you’re speaking to your CEO or to an intern on your team, both have goals and dilemmas. Think about how you can help them face these challenges.

Pro tip: If you approach people with a generous and compassionate mindset, you, like Erdős, will likely be well-loved by your seniors, peers, and successors. Do you have information that can help someone design a better presentation? Can you connect them to the right person for a job? Are you willing to give feedback on their new idea? Even the tiniest gesture counts because people realize you’re not just in it to get, but also to give.

I never met Erdős, but learning about his approach has shaped my outlook toward work and life. Empowering others to make the greatest impact through their careers is my mission. Every day, when I conclude my work, I ask myself how I can be a bit more like Erdős tomorrow. So far, it’s served me well.

UTKARSH AMITABH is the founder and CEO of Network Capital, one of the world’s largest mentorship platforms that empowers more than 7.5 million school students and 200,000 young professionals to build meaningful careers. An engineer by training, Utkarsh worked at Microsoft, studied moral philosophy at the University of Oxford, and earned his MBA from INSEAD where he was recognized as the Andy Burgess Scholar for Social Entrepreneurship.