How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You

Author: Rebecca Knight

When someone you work with annoys you, it’s tempting to avoid that person as much as possible. But this isn’t always feasible and often only makes the situation worse. You’re better off cultivating some empathy. How can you do that with a colleague who rubs you the wrong way? How can you foster curiosity instead of animosity?

What the experts say

“We’ve all encountered someone in the workplace who irritates us,” says Annie McKee, author of How to Be Happy at Work, and a senior fellow at the University of Pennsylvania. “It may have to do with this person’s communication style, or maybe he engages in behaviors that you find rude—he’s always late to meetings, say.” But at a time when work is ever more team-oriented and projects often require intense collaboration, “you have to find a way to connect and build a bridge” with even the most irritating people. Cultivating compassion for these kinds of colleagues, however trying they may be, is a good place to start, according to Rich Fernandez, CEO of Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute. “Using empathy, you can maintain a balanced and well-calibrated approach to working with difficult people,” he says. Here are some pointers.

Reflect

For starters, keep in mind that your colleague isn’t getting under your skin on purpose. It’s more likely that “they are reacting to things going on in their lives,” says Fernandez. “You need to depersonalize the situation,” he says. And look inward, McKee advises: “When someone is driving you crazy, it helps to ask yourself, What’s causing me to react this way?” Your frustration “might not be about that person at all; it might be about you,” she says. Perhaps your colleague even “reminds you of someone else you don’t like.” Having “self-awareness” and a deep “understanding of our own psychological makeup” strengthens your capacity for empathy, she adds. After all, cultivating compassion—both for yourself and others—is your primary objective.

Stay calm

Next, “lean in to your emotional self-control and willpower,” McKee says. When your colleague shows up late, interrupts you, or is just being all-around obnoxious, you may feel a physiological reaction. “Recognize the clues that you’re getting triggered. Maybe your breath quickens, or your palms start to sweat, or your temperature rises.” Giving in to these symptoms risks amygdala hijack, where you lose access to the rational, thinking part of your brain. Instead, take a few deep breaths to “help you regulate your stress hormones and make it less likely that you’ll engage in behavior that you won’t be proud of later,” she says. Keeping your “demeanor calm and open” puts you in a better frame of mind to conjure empathy for your colleague, Fernandez adds. “You’re not caving, and you’re not shutting down”; rather you’re staying cool and collected and “maintaining awareness of the situation.”

Be curious

There are two types of empathy: cognitive empathy—the ability to understand another person’s perspective; and emotional empathy—the ability to feel what someone else feels. “Both of these tend to shut down when you feel annoyed or frustrated,” McKee says. But you must fight against that.

• To summon cognitive empathy for an annoying colleague, McKee recommends generating theories that might explain “why this person says what he says, thinks what he thinks, and acts the way he acts. Unearth your curiosity,” she says. Ask yourself: “What motivates this person? What excites and inspires him?” Go “beyond your own worldview” and reflect on “what may be in his cultural background, education, family situation, or day-to-day pressures that’s causing him to behave this way.” Remember: The goal here is to “understand this person’s perspective,” Fernandez adds. “It doesn’t mean you have to adopt it, validate it, or agree with it, but you do have to acknowledge it.”

• To muster emotional empathy for that colleague, “find something in them to care about,” McKee says. One way to deal with someone who irritates you is to “picture that person as a six-year-old,” she suggests. Remember that “they’re only human.” The hypotheses you generated to explain your colleague’s behavior could be helpful here, too, according to Fernandez: “Maybe this person is stressed or under pressure, or maybe this person is just not having a very good day.” You don’t have to “become a psychologist and get into their childhood,” but you do have to make an effort to experience “emotional resonance.” The result is often, “I get it.”

Focus on your similarities

Using both cognitive and emotional empathy, you must also try to “get to know the person” and deepen your “understanding of their perspective,” McKee says. Rather than “focusing on your differences, look for the similarities” you share. “Start small,” she advises. Perhaps you and your colleague have children the same age. Maybe your colleague lives in a neighborhood or town that you know intimately. Use those connections to strike up a conversation. If all else fails, “riff off an exchange you both seemed to find interesting in your last team meeting.” Work often provides a neutral “common ground” for conversation, Fernandez says. Presumably both of you share a similar goal: “You want the organization to be successful.”

Be kind

The fact is, “it’s easier for you to be empathetic toward people you like because you give them the benefit of the doubt,” McKee says. When dealing with someone you dislike, you often assume the worst, and that mindset shows up in your behavior. Try to short-circuit that reaction and “do or say something that’s surprising and nice.” Compliment the person on an idea they raised in a meeting or offer to help with a project. It shouldn’t be forced, however. “It has to be authentic.” Let’s say, for instance, that your colleague arrives late—yet again—to your weekly team meeting. Don’t complain or roll your eyes. Don’t be passive-aggressive and quip, “Nice of you to join us.” That may be your instinct, but fight it. Instead, McKee recommends something along the lines of, “Welcome. Get a cup of coffee before you sit down, and we’ll get you up to speed.” This type of generosity of spirit is good for you and your colleague. And remember, Fernandez says, empathy is a choice you can make in any scenario.

Have a (difficult) conversation

If you still find this particular colleague challenging, you might “have to have a conversation about how you work together,” Fernandez acknowledges. But, he adds, “if you approach it through the lens of empathy, the conversation won’t become charged.” What’s more, if you’re “even-keeled and fair, your message will likely be received in a pretty good way.” For instance, don’t say, “You take up too much airtime.” Instead, Fernandez suggests you try, “I’d love to figure out a way for us both to get our ideas out during the weekly team meeting.” Don’t lose sight of the fact that your colleague probably feels the same way about you. After all, McKee says, “if they drive you crazy, chances are you drive them crazy, too.”

REBECCA KNIGHT is a senior correspondent at Insider covering careers and the workplace. Previously she was a freelance journalist and a lecturer at Wesleyan University. Her work has been published in the New York Times, USA Today, and the Financial Times.