My Colleagues Can’t Get My Name Right

Author: Talisa Lavarry

What do you do if someone mispronounces your name—or worse, gets it wrong entirely? It’s certainly awkward, but it can also be offensive.

HBR received the following note from Horacio (whose name has been disguised to preserve anonymity), asking for advice on this topic. So we asked Talisa Lavarry, author of Confessions From Your Token Black Colleague and president of Yum Yum Morale Workplace D.E.I. Strategies, to respond.

Dear HBR,

How does one politely respond when being called by the wrong name? On many occasions, my boss’s boss has confused me with another colleague. Although we both have unusual names, our names are very different and do not sound similar at all. There was a particular occasion when my colleague’s promotion announcement included a highlight reel of my accomplishments. While I have great respect for my colleague, I still struggle to convey my unique identity.

I suspect race may be a factor in this situation. There’s this assumed parochialism that I use to help explain why I feel disconnected from other managers. If I’m honest with myself, I feel disadvantaged in having an unusual name. Is this a projection on my part? Is feeling disadvantaged or marginalized merely a cop-out from initiating and building strong relationships with team members? And is there anything I can do to avoid being confused with my colleague so often?

Sincerely,
Horacio

Dear Horacio,

If anyone can speak about this topic, it is certainly me. I was born in the southern region of the United States—Shreveport, Louisiana, to be exact. My mother named me Talisa. A few years ago, I decided that Tali would be more suitable when it came to seeking employment opportunities and assimilating with my majority white colleagues.

At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. Today I feel differently. While I sincerely like going by Tali, I now realize that making this change just to propel myself in a whitewashed culture wasn’t good for me, or any of us bearing names that are perceived as ethnic. Most people don’t realize how self-defeating it is to feel like you have to deny parts of yourself in order to be deemed worthy. But pretending to be someone you are not diminishes any chance you have of truly feeling like you belong, and as you have probably discovered, it is taxing.

I appreciate your initiative to propose this question. I believe it is proof that we are growing and changing for the better. More and more of us are realizing the damage that comes with losing such an essential part of ourselves as a way to fit into cultures that were not designed for us to begin with.

Creating this kind of dialogue is necessary if we are to pursue a more just and equitable world. Here is my advice.

Recognize This for What It Is

My answer to your first questions is no, you are not projecting or looking for a cop-out. Sadly, you are dealing with a situation that is common for many people of color. Any history book (or news channel) will show you that white people are often comfortable overlooking and minimizing the value of people of color. There is an unspoken belief that people of color should be happy to be invited to sit at the table. This is true, too, in the work environment: Our white colleagues rarely go out of their way to make sure we are comfortable once seated.

Despite it being illegal, people of color face all kinds of discrimination at work, but not every gesture is obvious. A microaggression, which is what it sounds like you are facing, is much more subtle. Failing to properly identify Black, brown, and other marginalized employees—again and again without concern—is a prime example of one.

Getting a name wrong may be unintentional. In fact, most of the time, it’s probably not done with ill intent. That doesn’t make it any less irresponsible and unprofessional. It shows blatant disregard for a person’s identity, and it sends a message that the culprit deems themselves superior to that person.

Your dilemma seems to be twofold. Mispronouncing your name is one thing. But continuously getting you mixed up with another colleague in the office is downright brazen. I must say that the notion that people from certain groups all look alike is extremely annoying. Still, it continues to happen—a lot. In 2019 the Washington Post published a tweet asking people of color about their experiences with being misidentified in predominantly white environments. More than 400 people replied with their stories.

It’s important that you are aware of this reality. Stepping outside of your experience, viewing it in this larger context, and recognizing it as another result of systemic racism will make a world of difference in how you both feel about and approach the situation.

Know That It’s Not About You

We’ve already established that getting someone’s name wrong can feel like a sign of disrespect, but there’s a big chance that it is coming from a place of unconscious bias. You need to know this to protect your mental health. Harboring anger against your colleagues will not benefit you at all; neither will it aid the growth of the people doing you harm.

Do your best to separate yourself from their behaviors. I know that this is easier said than done, but if you fail to create the distance you need to gain clarity, you put yourself in a dangerous position. The last thing you want to do is change yourself instead of confronting the actual problem.

There is no amount of covering or code-switching that will impress the people doing you harm. As daunting as it may sound, you must continue to remind yourself that this situation is not about you. There is nothing wrong with who you are, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You mentioned that you “struggle to display your unique identity” at work, which causes me to believe that you are in an environment that doesn’t feel so inclusive to you. I also know that being your authentic self at work—especially as a person of color in corporate America—comes with risks. At the same time, I do believe you will feel better and work better once you determine and feel confident projecting your personal style.

The first step to showing more of yourself is being honest with your colleagues about how their mistakes make you feel.

Call Out Your Colleagues (Gently)

While correcting someone in a position of power may make you feel like you are being overly assertive, you are not. Our names are a huge part of our identities. We should all be willing to get the names of our colleagues right. There are a few ways you can (gently) call someone out.

Ask clarifying questions

You can do this without sounding condescending. The next time someone addresses you by the wrong name, offer a warm smile while saying something like, “Wait, did you just call me [name] by accident?” This lets the person know that you care about having your name said correctly, and it gives them the opportunity to (hopefully) apologize and confirm the correct name or pronunciation.

Offer a correction

If you’re not comfortable calling someone out in the moment, practice in the mirror first, or role-play with a friend, a career coach, or a therapist.

For instance, you might rehearse explaining your name in a memorable way: “My name is Horacio. The H is silent, and being that I’m the finance lead, it probably won’t be hard to remember that I deal with ratios.” Or sound it out for the other person: “My name is Talisa, by the way. Just think Lisa with a Ta in front of it.”

If you are called the name of your colleague again, try: “[Name] actually works in marketing and sits over by the kitchen. I’m not sure why you are getting us mixed up, but I want to be sure that you know that I am the one who sits here, by the window.”

Do it in writing

Include the phonetic spelling of your name when presenting it in writing. This can be done on written memos or in email signatures.

Garner support from allies

These conversations can be emotionally draining, and the more support you have, the better. Your allies are the people who can speak up for you and correct others when you are not around, or do so in moments when you are present but may not be comfortable or have the energy to say something yourself.

Find peers or colleagues whom you trust, and casually explain the situation to them. Garnering the support of someone who has more stature than you will be especially helpful. Your well-tenured colleagues may have the power to advocate for you when speaking to leaders throughout the company, which could result in an even more impactful cultural change.

Lastly, notice what’s going on. You might be surprised by how many of your peers are experiencing similar microaggressions. I’ve personally found these kinds of situations easier to navigate when I’m doing it with people who can identify with what I’m going through.

Directly Express Your Concerns

If the above approaches don’t yield any results, it is time to be blunt in your delivery. You don’t have to physically express emotions like anger or sadness to show that you are upset, but you do have to clearly communicate how your colleagues’ mistakes make you feel.

Simply say, “My name is Horacio, and I’d really appreciate you saying it correctly.” After you have said this, stop and allow them to respond. Hopefully, this will open the door to a longer conversation and give the other person an opportunity to apologize and verbally commit to saying your name correctly moving forward.

Make a Formal Complaint

Let’s say you have tried to have a direct conversation, and even after that the issue continues. Now it’s time to submit your concerns to human resources. You may be able to do so anonymously, but this is totally contingent on your work environment and the overall relationship between you and the person or persons who have refused to pronounce your name properly.

No matter how you decide to go about filing the complaint, be sure to let HR know the steps that you have already taken to resolve the issue. Give examples of the consequences that this kind of microaggression can create: stress, anxiety, feelings of isolation, and depression—all of which can impact your work performance.

Tell HR exactly how they can make sure it doesn’t happen again. If you feel comfortable doing so, you might even propose the organization invest in some form of race and diversity training for all employees, or suggest that leadership mention the importance of properly identifying colleagues in the next companywide meeting.

Know When to Leave

You are responsible for the personal care of yourself, your health, your career growth, and your sanity. While walking away from a position you enjoy may be painful, if you constantly have to perform to feel seen, heard, valued, and respected, you may ultimately want to consider moving on.

There are a great deal of offenses taking place within workplaces across the world, but there are more and more companies that are embracing the concept of creating and nurturing diverse, equitable, and inclusive environments. We are all deserving of opportunities to be ourselves while offering up our best work.