Want Stronger Relationships at Work? Change the Way You Listen

Author: Manbir Kaur

Roan walked into the office listening to his favorite morning mix. As he got closer to his desk, his manager, Andy, intercepted him. Roan removed one of his earplugs. “There’s a problem with the report you submitted yesterday. I think it needs to be worked on again. Could you get to it ASAP?”

“Was that really the first thing Andy could say to me this morning?” Roan thought.

With half his mind on the morning mix and the other half trying to listen to Andy, Roan shook his head without a word and walked on.

“Was he even listening?” wondered Andy. He was a little offended.

A lot happens in the brain during a conversation. The late Judith Glaser, author of Conversational Intelligence, tells us that our brain takes just 0.07 seconds in a conversation to form an initial impression of the other person’s intent—whether we’re going to trust them or not. Our response is then influenced by that impression. Andy and Roan’s conversation can only be termed “poor.”

Idea in Brief

• The Challenge

The way we listen to others may play a major role in building stronger relationships at work. Research shows that in a conversation it takes the brain just 0.07 seconds to form an initial impression of the other person’s intent—to decide whether to trust that person or not. When we sense threat in a conversation, stress hormones are released and we may not be able to engage and connect.

• The Path Forward

To become a better listener, four approaches can help: Go in with the right intention. Use both your head and heart. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. And show that you’re engaged.

Simplifying the neurochemistry of listening

In her book, Glaser quoted multiple researchers to explain that when we sense threat in a conversation, the amygdala (part of the limbic system in our brain) triggers the protection mode. This releases a few hormones, including cortisol. When cortisol rules over our bodies, we may not be able to engage and connect, and we’re likely to become more reactive, emotional, and impulsive. We’re also more likely to perceive situations negatively.

On the other hand, conversations that encourage cooperation and understanding release a different set of hormones, including oxytocin, which reinforce a bonding experience. When that happens, we stop being protective and instead begin to connect with others and build lasting relationships based on mutual trust.

By choosing the way we listen, we have the power to influence the neurochemical reactions that happen in the brain.

How we listen

Glaser’s framework on conversational intelligence indicates that we listen with three prominent attitudes. Each one affects how the speaker is going to respond to us.

Listening to protect: You’re on the defensive. You’re trying to protect your identity and space. The speaker may feel ignored.

Listening to accept or reject: You’re listening with an intent to judge. The speaker may feel labeled. You’ll often see examples of this in a team meeting.

Listening to cocreate: You’re listening to connect with the other person. It’s psychologically safe. You approach with the intent to explore and understand:

• What are they trying to say?

• What are they thinking?

• What are they expecting to explore together?

• How can I connect to their world?

When you choose to listen with openness, the neurochemistry of your body and that of the other person will come to your aid, helping to build greater understanding.

In fact, listening is fun. It can give you new perspectives, and some curious ones, too!

How to be a good listener

Become a better listener by practicing these four tips in your next conversation:

Go in with the right intention. When you’re having a conversation, go in with the intention to listen to the other person. Make sure you believe they have something of value to say—and that it’s important for you to give them the chance to say it.

If Roan had immediately removed both earplugs, Andy wouldn’t have felt ignored.

Instead of blaming Roan for the error, Andy could have set the context and asked if any of his instructions were unclear—a possible reason for Roan’s incomplete report.

Use both your head and heart. Try to understand not just the “what” but also the “why.” Good listening will help you understand not just the reasons, but also help you connect with the emotions behind what’s being said.

Roan could have acknowledged the mistake: “I’m sorry this didn’t meet your expectations. Please help me understand how I can make the report better.” Expressing and acknowledging the feelings clearly could have set the stage for a stronger conversation and helped build trust between them.

Instead of ambushing Roan right as he walked in, Andy could have been more sensitive: “I’m sorry for catching you now as I see you’re just getting into work, but this is really urgent. Do you have a minute?”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. No one understands your situation and challenges, right? Well, the other person might think the same thing. So even if you can’t help because of your own constraints, listen with empathy and compassion. It’s the least you can do.

Roan could have understood the urgency behind Andy’s request and reassured him that he’d get to it as soon as possible: “Of course, I understand the client needs the report urgently. I’ll see what can be done to make it better at the earliest.”

If Roan didn’t do the report right, maybe the instructions weren’t clear. Andy could have spent a little time trying to explain the specifics of what was wrong: “I know you worked hard on the report, but it’s not what the client wants. Maybe my instructions weren’t clear. Let me know if I can help you with additional information.”

Show you’re engaged. Give the conversation your full attention. Ask open-ended questions in order to better understand things.

Roan should have been curious as to how he might have improved the report. Questions like, “I may need help. Could you give me more information so I can make the report stronger? What did the client not like about the report?” could have served the purpose.

Try these tips for the next few conversations you have and experience how you’re able to develop personal relationships with deeper connections. The more actively you listen, the more you’ll be heard.

MANBIR KAUR is an executive coach (ICF-PCC) and a conversational intelligence (C-IQ) enhanced skills practitioner. She is the author of Get Your Next Promotion and Are You the Leader You Want to Be? (one of five books nominated for the C.K. Prahalad Best Business Book Award 2019).